MLS Headquarters: Project Splash Pot

 MLS Headquarters: Project Splash Pot

By: Vidda "Davey" Grubin

The place: 420 5TH Ave, FL 7, New York, NY, 10018-0223 United States (MLS Headquarters)

The date: Sunday, December 3, 2023—10 am

The players: Twenty two of the worst dressed billionaire’s children, their valets, Don Garber, and for some reason, Alexi Lalas

(plus, Tammy (real name, Trinh Thi Ngo) the snack and coffee lady, snidely nicknamed, Tofu Tammy)

The atmosphere: Tense. The Columbus Crew have won the right to host MLSCup2023. MLS Commissioner, Don Garber, is not happy

At a long oak table (shipped from Chicago and sporting the initials, TGD—DG carved into the edge at the head of the table), The Don stands and begins the meeting. Alexi, sitting directly on The Don’s right, flips open his brand new Kindle Paperwhite.

“Where’s my tofu, Tammy?” muffled giggles fill the room

Tammy rushes from the snack cart with a plate full of Han Xi Dyn’s Number One Tofu and sets it in front of, The Don.

“Better. Now, if I have to go to fucking Columbus, again, make sure I’m booked into the Embassy Suites, Dublin. And make sure I get at least ten of those happy hour free drink tickets.” Alexi Lalas nods, making a note on his Kindle.

Alexi taps the Kindle screen, a giant image of Lower Dot Com Stadium appears on the wall behind, The Don.

The Don points at the image with a dismissive finger wag.

“This toilet has twenty thousand seats. About eleven thousand of those seats are taken by rednecks, cow farmers and 45 year old pot smoking, sweat pants wearing, Dungeons and Dragons droollers.” Long pause

“How can we screw over every one of them?”

Twenty hands shoot into the air.

The Don points at Seth Kronke.

“We could announce a change of venue. Say it’s due to faulty plumbing. And move the game to Cincinnati.” Lots of nods and smiles all around.

The Don squints and rubs his chin. “I like it. Other ideas.”

Kelsey Beckham stands up, glances at Alexi, “We could have Alexi’s band play at halftime.” The room erupts in laughter. Alexi makes a note on his Kindle.

“Book it!” says, The Don.

Billy “RedBull” Mateschitz slowly stands. “Open ticket sales for our sponsors, friends and relatives. Give them a twenty ticket limit. They’ll buy all the tickets and put most of them up for resale at 5-10 times retail. The sweatpants D and D’rs, Cow farmers and rednecks will be forced to spend hundreds per seat.”

Don Garber grins. He can barely contain himself. “That’s what were doing. Exactly that, but add in two or three days of bullshit announcements about how we’re fixing the problem and only hope for the best, while doing nothing of the sort. And, oh yeah, book Alexi’s band.” Alexi immediately sends out a text on his Kindle to his band mates. And begins jotting down the lyrics to a new song about soccer, hot dogs and Italian women in Honda Civics.

Two of the valets whisper. “You do all the ticketing arrangements, right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I’ve got a couple buddies who write code and run bot farms for some Latvians. Can you set it up so I get them the log in credentials for the sale?”

“Sure. But why?”

“They get the log in, attack the corporate pre sale with their bots, buy up half the seats. Then, re-sell the tickets and kick back 30% to you and I.”

“Oh, man that’s perfect. Half a mill or more easy. Done. How are they going to get us our thirty percent.”

“Don’t worry. There’s a poker game here in Manhattan that those guys play in. We’ll set up a private game and have them donk off the money to us over the course of a weekend. Do you play?”

“No. Do You?”

“Yeah. I got it. Just get the ticket shit sorted.”

The Don waves at Tammy. “What’s for lunch?”

Tammy, reads off a menu. “American Humble Stew. Go Back to Your Country Pie. And, Your Leaders are Lying to You Tea.”

“Okay. Sounds good. We’ll meet again tomorrow.” The Don looks at the two valets who were whispering. “I expect a complete breakdown of the ticketing plan first thing in the morning.:

“No problem.”

By: David Burgin

©2023

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Crew drop out of playoff position

The loss last night to Chicago puts Columbus one spot out of playoffs with just about half (45%) of the MLS season left to play which means the watch has started. Before this recent 4 game skid, the Crew looked like they were coasting to another playoff appearance.

We usually have a pretty good picture of which teams are good/bad by mid-summer on the MLS calendar. The way things are looking right now, Columbus will be battling with Montreal, Philly, and DC above them and Atlanta below them.

I think the rest are pretty much locked into their positions.

PPG	Team 1	Team 2
3.00
2.90
2.80
2.70
2.60
2.50
2.40
2.30
2.20
2.10	New England
2.00
1.90
1.80
1.70	NYCFC
1.60	Orlando City	Nashville
1.50
1.40	Philadelphia	D.C. United
1.30	CF Montréal
1.20	Columbus Crew
1.10	Atlanta Utd
1.00	NY Red Bulls	Chicago Fire
0.90	Inter Miami	FC Cincinnati
0.80
0.70
0.60
0.50
0.40
0.30
0.20
0.10
0.00

Crew in Crisis? Yes... and No

It's been a rough 10 days or so for the Columbus Crew. Three games, three losses with 11 goals against. It has been bad enough that it is sounding alarm bells off in the hearts and minds of even the most faithful Crew season ticket holder to the passionate blackout drunk in the Nordecke.

In fact, in a lot of ways, the fans are right to think something is horribly wrong with the team because having this many goals scored on them over a three-game span just isn't something that happens in Columbus. You have to go back over a decade to see it.

Making matters worse (and perhaps the sole reason for the anger at the team) in the mind of fans is that the Crew have only won a single match in five at the new stadium. The last two being losses.

1. CREW IN CRISIS? YES... and NO

Now, that record is probably giving the team front office nightmares. On top of the difficulty of selling MLS soccer in Columbus (historically), they now have to wrestle with a full month of poor results in their new little downtown wonderland of LED light and smoke - and the camo paint job on the empty seats is already noticeable. 

Ever since the successful launch and rebrand that Sporting KC pulled off, we see other MLS teams trying to recreate that magic. The Crew very well be the most like for like to KC since and honestly, it's a complete faceplant in comparison. KC only lost one game at their new "Livestrong Sporting Park" that entire season. It built momentum for the front office that they rode for almost a decade (could argue it's still going). 

The Crew, by comparison, had a disaster of a rebrand (which meant no new merch sales), and each home game I've seen empty seats (increasingly). On top of that, of course, is the results there. Not good!

2. CREW IN CRISIS? YES... and NO

Simply put, Caleb Porter has the Columbus Crew on the most consistently good run in modern MLS history (the last 12 years or so). The long view, on a 20 game rolling average, the team hasn't dipped below 1.55 points per game in 41 games. No team going back to the 2008 MLS Cup winners has been about to sustain that kind of PPG average. It's pretty remarkable.

The asterisk here with Porter is that this good run of games came after the absolute worst run in Crew history when he first started (the one win in 15 run April - July 2019). But this season has been a Gold Cup year and the team lost a couple key players for a few weeks in Room and Zardes. There are also a few injuries, notably to Valenzuela, Williams, and Artur that the team is dealing with.

So, you are watching a good team on a really long good run that might be coming down out of it after a year + of outstanding results. Is it frustrating it is coming right when the new place opened up? Yep.

...is it also possible that Porter is flaming out gloriously? yes.

Lower.com Field, 1st TV Impressions

Since Columbus Crew's new Lower.com Field has hosted a couple games it feels like a good time to get out some impressions on how it looks and sounds watching at home.

1. Lighting

The overall feel of live sporting events is heavily influenced by the lighting. Old Crew Stadium was normally bright and sun-drenched during the day with evenings providing purplish/orange hues provided by often cloudy midwestern sunsets. This new Crew Stadium is more or less lighted like a closet. It's dark with sharp contrasts that LED lights give you. Contributing to this feeling are the gray seats and black roof.

2. Audience Noise

The sound emanating from this stadium couldn't be more different from what it was at the fairgrounds. Since it's a new place, there is energy to spare from the fans, but I couldn't help but think it sounded exactly like a Columbus Blue Jackets game. Fans stand and yell throughout the match. Any break, even if it starts in their own half, is cheered on like a hockey break. Paying close attention when the camera zoomed in on the fans (I felt) it looked like CBJ type crowd (there's a lot to that, but not getting into it). If that was what the team was going for, then they have succeeded early on. I don't think they will stick with the sport, however. So the Crew will have to cross that bridge later on. Engaged fan is a good thing, but it is jarring to a soccer fan how it's cheered on like it's another sport. I see it in Nashville as well. It was in Atlanta, but those crowds are quickly thinning for the reason I think it'll thin for Columbus and Nashville. The early adopters are "general sports fan" types. Eventually, MLS isn't meaty enough to hang on to them.

3. Fan Seating

The side facing the main stand camera makes the same mistake the old stadium made - They sit people right on the sideline in individual chairs, spaced out. Old Crew had sort of bar chairs, New Crew has really nice office chair-type seating. A good 10-20 feet behind them (and up) are the rest of the fans. It looks terrible. A lot of teams do it in MLS, it saps the energy out of the viewing experience. If you notice last night after the Darlington Nagbe goal, he charged over the side you can't really see on TV and started high-fiving the fans that were close to the pitch. It was great! but you don't get that on the regular camera and you could hardly see it when they did show it. The announcers talking about how great it was stung a little because it was invisible to the viewer.

4. Advertising

Columbus ordered the extra tall digital ad boards appearently. They are like a castle wall around the pitch. They are not alone in this regard. Teams all over the world of really bad solutions to getting as much advertising facing the camera as possible, but I normally se it in old stadiums. Some of them having Olympic tracks around the pitch. I don't get it here. You want the fans down there hootin' and a hollerin'. Not a wall of ads.

-------------

That's it. My critical view of what I watched. The overall vibe is too many vodka Red Bulls INTENSE. Flashing lights, loud music, overbearing announcer, and to top it off a goddamn jackhammer. I mean, it's an NHL/Arena League Football experience - and fine in if you like that. 

My note to the Crew would be thus: It's working now. It's got the, what I would call, Arena District fans to go. But it won't last. They won't latch onto the sport. Same as Orlando, Atlanta, Montreal, San Jose, and soon-to-be Nashville and LAFC. Portland and Seattle work because they sold the sport first and their long history dating back to the old NASL did as well.

Another Columbus (Crew) SC Refresh

With rumors of a quiet Supporters + Front Office meeting, a French-speaking MLS-focused Canadian Twitter account saying somethings coming, and the lack of Precourt's rebranding at the new stadium - well, it's probably safe to say yet another refresh of the Columbus Crew is on the way.

The good news for the "no rebrand" fans is that it looks like it won't be a complete rebrand and that it is merely a change in name with drops the "Crew" and an update to the logo/badge. 

Overall, it's bad news if this is all they are doing. Incremental change only muddles an already Frankenstoian brand in Columbus. Now that it has passed through multiple ownership groups over the last decade fans have seen more than just a logo change. It's been terminology, unfortunate kits, mascot drama, changes in hashtags, the list goes on.

Left among the wreckage of changes made by alfa males (and Dee, I guess) has been the fans. Each time this comes on they have to ride an increasingly annoying rollercoaster of emotions that always starts with the same hill climb called "I'm the new dude that owns the team and that branding that is part of your identity sucks (*leans over and whispers...* which means you suck)."

For me, it is inevitable that MLS Columbus will ultimately be some variation of the OSU Buckeye colors. Likely more black and gray, than scarlet and gray, but the same pallet nonetheless. It would most definitely increase sales and likely tickets (imagine "buckeye kits," "buckeye nights," or whatever). The colors and the term "Buckeye" are synonymous with Ohioans. So just go ahead and pull that band-aid off. 

But they won't. 

The only thing keeping that from happening are the quasi-self appointed leaders of the "official" supporters who have grown in power between ownership groups and attempts to move the team. I've watched this group since they started to form 12-13 years ago because matches up with when I started writing about the team. Their full story that goes back past the "save the crew" group is a post for another day, but one thing is for certain... each operating group has had different approaches to dealing with them. The Hunts thought they could help (they didn't). You could argue they caused the Precourt/Garber problem of disliking Columbus. And now, we see the beginnings with the new group. Anyway, none have really gone smoothly. 

Take from that what you will.

Let's go MLS Columbus Crew SC the hardest working former Steelers Jr-themed German-looking brand logo-wearing club in central Ohio.

Crew Stadium to cook fans, block out the skyline and sunset views

In keeping an interested eye on the (somewhat) nearly complete new Crew Stadium you can't help but notice its giant black roof that covers all the stands. In promotional sizzle reels, it was a glimmering black diamond structure that would look comfortable in Disney's Tomorrowland fantasy.

Now that we have moved on from promo pictures to reality, well, it's not much different. The builders have done a fantastic job bringing the stadium drawings to life. Therein lies the problem (or problems), however.

1. COOKED FANS

BLACK ABSORBS HEAT. Perhaps there is one, but there are no examples of a black roof being on any (purpose-built) stadium in the world. The closest you will find might be early 20th century stadiums in England, like Fulham. Roofs that might look similar to what you have at home with common asphalt shingles, usually covering a couple stands. It rains in England if you haven't heard. It's also a *bit* cooler because the season schedule excludes summer play. Outside of those examples, there are no black roofs of any material.

MLS plays all summer. Ohio... gets sunny and hot. I'm not sure how many outdoor games I went to at the old Crew Stadium, but it was more than a handful during sweltering summer evenings. Imagine being in the upper-level seats in 90+ degree heat on a sunny evening in the new stadium.

2. NO SKYLINE NO SUNSETS

With the complete wrap-around roof, there's only a hole about the size of the pitch of which to see the outdoors. What that means is that you will only be able to look out of the stadium by looking straight up. Anyone living in the mountains knows the feeling of not being able to see the sky unless you're looking straight up. It nearly eliminates your ability to see the sky. Even promotional drawings show this sort of claustrophobic view of life inside the new stadium.

What doesn't make sense to me is why built it downtown if you are going to block out 90% of the skyline? I get not wanting to see and hear the busy highway not far from the stadium but I don't get why every side is completely covered.

Similarly positioned in terms of climate is DC's "Audi Field". They intelligently only put overhangs on two sides and they are angled slightly up in order to give fans a little breathing room and more importantly, not black in color.

3. LAST THOUGHT

I'll never not be surprised that this was the final design of the new stadium. On its best days, perhaps cool early spring and late fall afternoons at 50% capacity, this stadium may shine. But on its worst days, hot evenings where the sun has been beating down all day (ie. half the MLS calendar) filled up with fans it'll be a dark, sweaty, germy, and cave-like claustrophobic experience.

I'm imagining the close quarters of Nationwide right down the street, only it won't be temperature-controlled and it will be in a post-pandemic environment that I can't imagine being in right now.

Things are what they are. The stadium will be finished before we know it and we'll see some fans in there soon if things continue on their track, but I don't think it will be the wild soccer party that has been sold to city leaders.

My hunch is that the desire to get the design done quickly was the priority, given the environment at the time. This gave fans a stadium, to be sure. Just not the right stadium.

Molino To Crew (9 years after I spotted him)

Way back in the early days of evaluating players (here and there) Helltown plucked Kevin Molino out of the USL blender in 2012. Albeit, as MVP of the league that year, it wasn't terribly difficult to do so. I'll put that feather in my cap, however, because you can count on one finger how many people not in the USL that gave him any look. Also, he hit my radar a number of times since then, including making a top Left Mids post just last year.

Molino's Helltown Rank for Mids was 15th, which makes him a top player. SofaScore has him at 7.39 based on performances last year (which is good). WhoScored was a bit messy last year, but he is consistently above the magical 7.0 there (top 25% ish of players.

You get the idea. He's a solid MLS player and can play pretty much anywhere in the midfield. He's likely backfilling Youness Mokhtar's spot on the payroll, er, roster. Not exactly sure what happened to Mokhtar towards the end of the Crew season. Best guess is that he was on a one-year deal and knew he wasn't getting re-signed. He had a couple epically bad "don't care" apps last year. He's currently without a club.

Anywho. Nice to see Molino getting a chance with an MLS Cup-winning side who is opening a new stadium. He's earned it.

Zelarayán Perfect 10

One of the many things I log around these parts is WhoScored (WS) ratings of MLS players. It's a quick way to look at who might have had a good game, month, and/or season. WS has been rating MLS players since the start of the 2013 season. Eight total seasons of play.

In those eight seasons, 3,930 individual Columbus Crew player game stat lines in both regular and post-season play. 

Amazingly, in that time only two players have recorded a perfect "10.0" from WS.

Justin Meram in round 12 of the 2017 season and Lucas Zelarayán in the 2020 MLS Cup Final.

In that time there have only been 26 performances to even rate above a "9.0".

Here they are:

Year	Round	Rating	Name
2017	12	10.0	Justin Meram
2020	28-P	10.0	Lucas Zelarayán
2015	36-P	9.9	Kei Kamara
2016	6	9.9	Justin Meram
2018	34	9.7	Gyasi Zardes
2015	33	9.6	Federico Higuaín
2016	9	9.6	Kei Kamara
2016	12	9.5	Ola Kamara
2016	28	9.5	Ola Kamara
2014	33	9.4	Aaron Schoenfeld
2015	24	9.4	Kei Kamara
2013	24	9.3	Federico Higuaín
2015	7	9.3	Ethan Finlay
2018	35-P	9.2	Federico Higuaín
2013	29	9.2	Chad Marshall
2017	35-P	9.2	Zack Steffen
2017	18	9.2	Federico Higuaín
2013	3	9.2	Gláuber
2013	27	9.2	Justin Meram
2019	16	9.2	Pedro Santos
2015	2	9.1	Justin Meram
2020	3	9.1	Lucas Zelarayán
2015	34	9.1	Ethan Finlay
2013	23	9.1	Federico Higuaín
2020	3	9.0	Gyasi Zardes
2020	18	9.0	Artur