Sunday, February 9, 2014

2014, Major League Soccer's Opening Day in Columbus, Ohio

By: Vidda "JibJab" Grubin

The sun is shining for the first time in eight days. Despite the warmth the sun provides, the air is somewhat chilly; but, it’s March of 2014, Ohio has just returned from its winter vacation in Northern Canada. The cold is to be expected, and mostly goes unnoticed.

While striding contentedly around the large yellow metal stadium you overhear this conversation while standing in an ocean of asphalt near a gathering of mostly white dudes, a slim pair of jeans worth of Columbus hens and a sprinkling of black gentleman dressed in black and gold shirts, each holding a red or blue plastic cup in one hand, and a hot dog smothered in ketchup and mustard in the other. Some of the “dudes” are absently watching a small child with a soccer ball at his feet dart between a silver Honda Civic and a beige Ford Explorer:

“I think we maximized our player personnel choices given the cap restrictions.”

“That's right, Mr. Martini. There is an Easter Bunny.”

“No need to be sarcastic.”

“Get out of my way son, you're usin' my oxygen.”

“Funny. I know the league bends the rules sometimes, and it’s really confusing at times, but I think the Crew can be relevant in Major League Soccer. Does that make me nuts?”

“What do you think you are, for Chrissake, crazy or somethin'? Well you're not! You're not! You're no crazier than the average asshole out walkin' around on the streets and that's it.”

“I know I’m not crazy. We’re a small market team with a moderately wealthy owner. Plus, we are America’s hardest working team, and I bleed Black and Gold. Go Crew!”

“But I tried, didn't I? Goddamnit, at least I did that.”

“Why are you so mad?”

“I'm not getting upset, Nurse Pilbow. I just don't want anyone to slip me salt peter!”

“Take a chill pill, doofuss.”

“If Mr. McMurphy doesn't want to take his medication orally, I'm sure we can arrange that he can have it some other way. But I don't think that he would like it.”

Quotes liberally lifted from one of the greatest movies of all time, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Movie based on the book of the same name by, Ken Kesey. Photo from said movie.

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