Gregg Berhalter and the Magic Towel

The above photo is of the Columbus Crew coach and sporting director, Gregg Berhalter, during his short time in charge of Hammarby in Sweden. Note what seems to be a scarf around his neck. Months of in-depth research lead me, Vidda "JibJab" Grubin, to believe that scarf is really a simple towel in disguise.

I have been accused of paranoid conspiracy leanings in the past. Heck, just yesterday I was rudely accused of that very thing during a discussion about SpongeBob SquarePants. Is he simply a well-intentioned adolescent sponge earning his keep flipping crabby patties and spending his free time catching jellyfish with his pink friend, Patrick? Or, is he a yellow-bellied commie sympathizer out to brainwash the youth from "sea to shining sea".

Each episode of SpongeBob begins with a supreme ruler, an evil looking uncle-like captain, who sings: "Who lives in a pineapple..." (think Cuba), "...under the sea" (what does he have to hide?). "He's absorbent and yellow..." (yellow, really? pretty obvious there). This captain guy tells all the kids in America to "...drop on the deck and flop like a fish." (Red, white and blue kids ain't floppers or fish. Damn, that gets me going!).

Anyway, back to Gregg Berhalter and the towel disguised as a scarf. If you have read my stuff previously, you know that I adhere to the rules of universal travel (credit to the late, great Douglas Adams): always carry a towel, keep a copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy handy and listen closely to what the dolphins have to say. Gregg Berhalter, I think, has the towel part perfected.

Berhalter's discovery of the universal usefulness of even the most simple of towels dates back to the photo above. My research proves that Gregg Berhalter's time in Sweden found the current Columbus Crew coach with only a towel at his disposal. That towel likely saved his life when things began to go sour. The goals dried up, and losses led to Hammarby's faithful calling for Berhalter's head.

The photo above shows the towel disguised as a tie. The towel couldn't help Berhalter save his job, but it did, with a little help from the Stockholm police, see him safely out of Sweden.

Berhalter was cast into the wilderness. He had to find a copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. If he did, he knew he might find the Heart of Gold spaceship with its Infinite Improbability Drive. Notice the towel disguised as a scarf in the photo above.

Somewhere, after his narrow escape from Sweden and during his wanderings around Europe, I believe Mr. Berhalter did find a copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Nothing else explains his miraculous arrival in Columbus, Ohio. Without the "Guide" he never would have known about the magical yellow stadium and its dolphin professed Scioto River Catfish Taco future (see: Helton Janglom's Template for Life. No, really, read it, it's good).

Showing the wear and tear of a lucky vagabond (the look in the above picture, that sly smirk, proves Gregg Berhalter had in his possession a copy of the "Guide." And, again, the towel as scarf), the Columbus Crew's coach was ready to build the next great soccer dynasty. All he needed was to locate the Heart of Gold spaceship.

While his initial attempts to improve the Crew were successful, they soon ran into hard times. After opening the 2014 season with three straight wins, the Black and Gold began a seventeen game run in which they would win just two games. Things were not looking good for Columbus' newest hitchhiker.

I propose that it was during this run of poor form that Coach Berhalter found the priceless Heart of Gold Spaceship. The photo below is proof.

Somehow Berhalter found a way to turn the towel into a shirt. Genius. He must have the Heart of Gold, and he used it to travel to the planet Ablididas. Clearly, he inserted his towel into a run of shirts being made on the planet by its many family owned stitcheries. Possibly the dolphins told him to.

Also as obvious is the fact that Gregg Berhalter decided to stick with the youngsters on his roster. He chose to run-out players like Finlay, Meram, Anor, Jimenez, Trapp and Gehrig week after week despite the mounting number of ties and losses in the middle of the season. Only a trip on the Heart of Gold could account for such an astute decision.

Gregg Berhalter must have gone back in time to the moment in the photo above. He then realized that his mentor and former coach, Bruce Arena, not only had in his possession a copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but Arena had somehow completely ingested any number of towels throughout his own travels. (Simply look at the size and shape of the man. There is no other explanation).

Having traveled back in time, Berhalter asked his mentor "What's the secret to success in Major League Soccer?" Arena's reply, "Stick with the youngsters." As Berhalter began to ask what the answer to "Life, The Universe and Everything" is, he was swept into a black hole and had to find his way back to Columbus. The search for his Midwest home was arduous, but short. Columbus is often confused with black holes. Finding a place similar to a black hole, while in a black hole, is not easy.

Once back in Ohio, Berhalter stuck with his youngsters and has been rewarded with more goals, entertaining soccer and a chance to continue building a soccer dynasty in Columbus, Ohio of all places.

The photo above confirms my theory. Notice the out of out-of-character smile, the towel as tiny Crew badge and the bit of weight Coach Berhalter seems to have put on (all clear signs of someone having swallowed their first towel).

(Photos in this article courtesy of www.dispatch.com www.thecrew.com www.mlssoccer.com and various Swedish websites)