Berhalter Spotted in the Heart of Gold Spaceship!

Photo: From the Magnificent Douglas Adams Book

Ever since the Columbus Crew Soccer Club's disastrous finish to the 2014 season, the Crew's coach, Gregg Berhalter, was thought to be lounging somewhere in the offices of Crew Stadium sipping on leftover draft beer. Rumors were spreading in regards to Coach Berhalter's utter despondency over losing to the New England Revolution in the Eastern Conference Finals. There were even whispers linking the sporting director to Frankie Hejduk's barber.

The Helltown Beer Blog can confirm that none of the above is true (well, maybe the barber thing has some validity, but don't expect Gregg Berhalter to equal Frankie Hejduk's length or style by first kick 2015). The real scoop is Coach Berhalter and Josh Wolff have been using the Infinite Improbability Drive, which powers the Heart of Gold spaceship, to travel unnoticed to far-flung places such as Sweden and Egypt. Armed with nothing more than towels, smiles and exceedingly cheery dispositions, the two Crew coaches have signed Mohammed Saeid and hope to ink Omar Gaber.

These two recent developments, following on the heels of Kei Kamara's re-joining the Crew, help solidify Gregg Berhalter as one of the top minds in Major League Soccer. The Columbus Crew SC, with new owner, brand and marketing in hand, want to break attendance records, win championships and establish the Black and Gold as a sophisticated worldwide entity. Finding where the true soccer nuts in Columbus hibernate, barely noticing the old hardhat wearing Crew, was critical.

For almost twenty years the Columbus Crew front office milked the tried and true suburbanite soccer families of Central Ohio. The ebb and flow seen on the attendance front was easily predicted. 

Turning the thousands of Crew averse sleepy soccer nuts into Black and Gold SC fanatics, while continuing to reach out to the core fan base, apparently, required the Herculean efforts of Anthony Precourt, Gregg Berhalter and a copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to International Soccer (not to mention The Heart of Gold). These latest moves, by one of Major League Soccer's best young managerial minds, are quite clever and may pay super-sized dividends long into the future.

Kei Kamara, Mohammed Saeid and Omar Gaber are all quality soccer players. Kamara is an MLS proven commodity, while Saeid and Gaber are young internationals who complement Gregg Berhalter's rapidly developing Crew squad. The icing on top is the fact that these signings have the power to tap into the large and soccer passionate international community in Columbus.

Kamara, Saeid and Gaber, as well as Justin Meram, now playing for the Iraq National Team, give the Columbus Crew a unique international flavor. Kamara grew up in Sierra Leone, having moved to the United States at the age of sixteen. Saeid, born in Sweden and a veteran at the age of 24, brings European pedigree to Columbus. Gaber, Egyptian and having national team level experience, will be the first Egyptian to play in Major League Soccer...if he signs. Meram, born and raised in the U.S., is the unique case of an American citizen playing for a Middle Eastern country.

Columbus boasts a large Somali population. This group of recent immigrants is quite crazy for the soccer. Through Ohio State University, Columbus can also boast a growing and varied international population. Finally, there are a substantial number of people living in Columbus who count Mexico as their country of origin. Maybe coach Berhalter should look to a our neighbors to the south for the Crew's next addition? 

Whether they be home grown, European, African, Middle Eastern, or Mexican, Gregg Berhalter finding and signing young talented players from a diversity of locales can only help win games, and perhaps just as important, bring thousands more Columbus, Ohio citizens out to see the ever more sophisticated, worldwide entity known as The Columbus Crew Soccer Club.

Gregg Berhalter and the Magic Towel

The above photo is of the Columbus Crew coach and sporting director, Gregg Berhalter, during his short time in charge of Hammarby in Sweden. Note what seems to be a scarf around his neck. Months of in-depth research lead me, Vidda "JibJab" Grubin, to believe that scarf is really a simple towel in disguise.

I have been accused of paranoid conspiracy leanings in the past. Heck, just yesterday I was rudely accused of that very thing during a discussion about SpongeBob SquarePants. Is he simply a well-intentioned adolescent sponge earning his keep flipping crabby patties and spending his free time catching jellyfish with his pink friend, Patrick? Or, is he a yellow-bellied commie sympathizer out to brainwash the youth from "sea to shining sea".

Each episode of SpongeBob begins with a supreme ruler, an evil looking uncle-like captain, who sings: "Who lives in a pineapple..." (think Cuba), "...under the sea" (what does he have to hide?). "He's absorbent and yellow..." (yellow, really? pretty obvious there). This captain guy tells all the kids in America to "...drop on the deck and flop like a fish." (Red, white and blue kids ain't floppers or fish. Damn, that gets me going!).

Anyway, back to Gregg Berhalter and the towel disguised as a scarf. If you have read my stuff previously, you know that I adhere to the rules of universal travel (credit to the late, great Douglas Adams): always carry a towel, keep a copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy handy and listen closely to what the dolphins have to say. Gregg Berhalter, I think, has the towel part perfected.

Berhalter's discovery of the universal usefulness of even the most simple of towels dates back to the photo above. My research proves that Gregg Berhalter's time in Sweden found the current Columbus Crew coach with only a towel at his disposal. That towel likely saved his life when things began to go sour. The goals dried up, and losses led to Hammarby's faithful calling for Berhalter's head.

The photo above shows the towel disguised as a tie. The towel couldn't help Berhalter save his job, but it did, with a little help from the Stockholm police, see him safely out of Sweden.

Berhalter was cast into the wilderness. He had to find a copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. If he did, he knew he might find the Heart of Gold spaceship with its Infinite Improbability Drive. Notice the towel disguised as a scarf in the photo above.

Somewhere, after his narrow escape from Sweden and during his wanderings around Europe, I believe Mr. Berhalter did find a copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Nothing else explains his miraculous arrival in Columbus, Ohio. Without the "Guide" he never would have known about the magical yellow stadium and its dolphin professed Scioto River Catfish Taco future (see: Helton Janglom's Template for Life. No, really, read it, it's good).

Showing the wear and tear of a lucky vagabond (the look in the above picture, that sly smirk, proves Gregg Berhalter had in his possession a copy of the "Guide." And, again, the towel as scarf), the Columbus Crew's coach was ready to build the next great soccer dynasty. All he needed was to locate the Heart of Gold spaceship.

While his initial attempts to improve the Crew were successful, they soon ran into hard times. After opening the 2014 season with three straight wins, the Black and Gold began a seventeen game run in which they would win just two games. Things were not looking good for Columbus' newest hitchhiker.

I propose that it was during this run of poor form that Coach Berhalter found the priceless Heart of Gold Spaceship. The photo below is proof.

Somehow Berhalter found a way to turn the towel into a shirt. Genius. He must have the Heart of Gold, and he used it to travel to the planet Ablididas. Clearly, he inserted his towel into a run of shirts being made on the planet by its many family owned stitcheries. Possibly the dolphins told him to.

Also as obvious is the fact that Gregg Berhalter decided to stick with the youngsters on his roster. He chose to run-out players like Finlay, Meram, Anor, Jimenez, Trapp and Gehrig week after week despite the mounting number of ties and losses in the middle of the season. Only a trip on the Heart of Gold could account for such an astute decision.

Gregg Berhalter must have gone back in time to the moment in the photo above. He then realized that his mentor and former coach, Bruce Arena, not only had in his possession a copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but Arena had somehow completely ingested any number of towels throughout his own travels. (Simply look at the size and shape of the man. There is no other explanation).

Having traveled back in time, Berhalter asked his mentor "What's the secret to success in Major League Soccer?" Arena's reply, "Stick with the youngsters." As Berhalter began to ask what the answer to "Life, The Universe and Everything" is, he was swept into a black hole and had to find his way back to Columbus. The search for his Midwest home was arduous, but short. Columbus is often confused with black holes. Finding a place similar to a black hole, while in a black hole, is not easy.

Once back in Ohio, Berhalter stuck with his youngsters and has been rewarded with more goals, entertaining soccer and a chance to continue building a soccer dynasty in Columbus, Ohio of all places.

The photo above confirms my theory. Notice the out of out-of-character smile, the towel as tiny Crew badge and the bit of weight Coach Berhalter seems to have put on (all clear signs of someone having swallowed their first towel).

(Photos in this article courtesy of www.dispatch.com www.thecrew.com www.mlssoccer.com and various Swedish websites)